Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Back to School

KAL
autismtwins.blogspot.com


I am alone for the first time in months. Hello silence! How I've missed you. Which also means: Hello self! There you are! How are we feeling about being alone? Should we eat some ice cream or should we write. I've carried half-written posts around in my head all summer, never finding the space or time to sit down and share them. My boys turned seven. We had a lovely family vacation and I sank into brief breaks here and there — a book on the beach, a stroll on the sand — but nothing quite beats the sound of silence for this weary mom.

Back to school brings with it the familiar angst, the wringing of the hands, the transition to something new. We're in second grade. The amount of worrying I do as back-to-school ramps up is ridiculous. Ridiculous. It helps when I hear that I'm not the only neurotic mom trying to micromanage every aspect of my kids' lives. As if I could.

Last year I lost sleep over John's then-new teacher, so worried was I that she wasn't going to be as good as his first one. She turned out to be better! You'd think I'd learn from that — and I have, really. It just has not stopped me from fretting anew about all of the things I cannot control. This part of being a mom is the absolute worst — the letting go, the trusting. I do not do it well. The only thing that makes it bearable is that my kids are much more resilient than me.

So here we are: Sam moved up to second grade with not one friend or classmate from last year. Not one. It's like they went out of their way to isolate him. This, when social skills are paramount on his IEP.

The first week the students line up in front of the school by classroom. On the first day I lead an anxious little boy to his new teacher. He is quiet. He notices several former classmates in a separate line. He waves and says hello under his breath but they don't notice. I tell him "They just didn't see you, honey." If his teacher wasn't excellent... I think, but she is. Members of his team try to reassure me that this is going to be Sam's best year yet but I have no objectivity. My head has checked out and given control over to my heart, which by the way, is breaking! He's all alone! He's sad!

Of course I go home, call the husband and sob. He picks up after the first ring, says he's been expecting my call. He hears my concerns, wonders if this might not be a positive in some ways. But you didn't see his face! It's not right, I say. I spend the rest of the day drafting anxious emails to the principal and his team — should we transfer him?

I save the draft and decide to see how his first day went. If he's sad, I will hit send! I go to the school and wait out front for him. I'm prepared for the worst, my imagination is by now, firmly in overdrive.

"It was a great day!" he says running to me. "I love second grade!"
Resilient. Positive. Confident.

He has already memorized half of the class in alphabetical order, of course. He rattles them off to me, "...numbers 12, 13, 14, and 15 I don't remember yet, but I will tomorrow. Number 16 is... " He even found his best friend C. at recess and they played together. Huh.

Letting go... trusting... it's a process. He teaches me. How I love that boy.